A Hoe? Isn’t That A Garden Tool?

Howdy partners, welcome to another edition of my infamous blogs. Gosh I haven't blogged in a while. I Would like to say thank you to all those who have bought my book 'Lying Fully Clothed', I'm humbled at the amount of books that I have sold.

Anyway, enough of the preamble and foreplay, lets get stuck in, no coil.

A Hoe? Isn't That A Garden Tool?

Hey, why you keep calling women hoe? Why you call them my name?

In one breath many a man will call a woman stoosh if she is conservative with sex and in the same breath call her loose if she is liberal. Do you want the wagina or not? I guess it’s the same sexist ideologies which stem from the root of patriarchy that has men calling women hoes for wanting to copulate. I guess it all stems back to the primitive times when women were property, where a woman who was a virgin was seen as an asset. Women who held onto their chastity were often sold or in times of war held captive as booty. Why is it that women were held to being virgins in those times but men weren’t? What is the bride price all about? Why in so many cultures a man must pay a dowry if he wants to marry a man’s daughter? Was marriage all about exchange of woman for property? Was it all about investment and family alliance?

"I'll give 50 for her" "Sold, no refunds though bro."

So you and Girl A (Jane) have been talking on the phone for a week, meet up, go for a meal in Nandoes, you bring a cup with you to save money on the bottomless drink (recession and all that), you go to Mc d’s for milkshakes and then you drop her home. You meet up few days later, get your Picasso on and draw her to your house. You put on that same DVD you always watch when a lady comes around. You have a bit of banter, you give each other puppy eyes and then you move her thongs to the side and begin indulging in some coitus...

You and Girl B (Margaret) have been talking for 8 weeks, you’ve met up fourteen times and on the fifteenth occasion she finally lets Sheba out the bag. What makes you think that she is more credible a woman than Jane? What if Margaret just didn’t rate you? What’s to say if Margaret was getting the yam from Kunle? Do you not rate yourself as a man? If so, why would a woman not want to sleep with you? Are they not sexual creatures? Or is it only men who desire sex?

“She slept with me ‘too soon’”, whatever too soon means... Are you under the assumption that she has slept with everyman in that same space of time? And for you guys who have to wait months on end for sex and use that cooking oil, are you also under the impression that she has made every other man wait? Do you think if a woman bumped into Tyson Beckford, that she wouldn’t trip, slip, become clumsy, drop her draws on the floor and somehow find his tongue on her clit? 

What if you showed her something different? What if the ambience and setting you created was adverse to what every other douche bag had shown her? Can you rate yourself a piece? Do you think that same woman that fell for you quickly, fell for every other guy in the same time frame?

If women are hoes, then surely shouldn’t men be held to this same standard? Or is this label exclusively for women? Are we not the same men making these women hoes? Or are they sleeping with themselves? Is a good girl just a bad girl who hasn’t been caught?

I guess we’re living in a world where people are single minded and plagued with double standards. However ladies, if you intend to do it like a dude, please don’t complain when your price tag drops, word to Jessie J.

All Jokes aside, doesn't Jessie J slyly look like Andy Carrol?

Most men will forever call a woman who is liberal with sex, loose and then call her frigid if she is conservative... What is it that men actually want? Do they like the idea and concept which they hold women to in theory but not in practice? Do they meet the same criteria they hold women to?

I’m quite sure many a man doesn’t want to shack up with a woman who has been with every Tom, Kunle, Ranjit and Segun. And even as a woman surely it must be awkward waltzing into City Love and seeing a bag of man you’ve done the breaststroke with. I’ve stroked a few cats in my life... Only 23 though. And I don’t do one night stands, I’m the caring type, I always go back, customer service and all that.

Some will ask, what’s the appropriate amount of men a woman is allowed to have slept with if she’s 26? Now most men would more than likely say ten is the cut off point... Whereas most men who are on their job who are 26+ more than likely have slept with a hundred plus. I hear you screaming, a hundred plus? Well let me break down a little maths to you.

Let’s say the average dude started having sex at 16 (in this day and age I would say 14, I work with a pupil referral unit and girls as young as thirteen have condoms in their purse), starts going to under 18 raves, if he’s fly like a zipper he may acquire the humble sum of 3 numbers a month. Now out of those three, let’s say one is acting like Florence nightingale, the other gives him the wrong number but the third he manages to tell her he loves her and he gives her the worst two minutes of her life. Now that’s an average of one girl a month, there are twelve months in a year, which would mean on average he sleeps with twelve women a year, multiplied by how many years he’s been having sex for. Let’s say he is twenty six, that would be 12x10 (assuming he started having sex the age of 16) which brings us to the healthy number of 120. Yes he may have been in a relationship in this time but this is just a summation. Now this same guy who has slept with 120 women will more than likely turn his nose up against a woman who has slept with 15 men. That’s just life I guess. Might I add, I don’t fall into this category, I’ve only slept with 22 women.

Should women be held to the same standard as men? Should women be allowed to enjoy men’s rights? Is disparity in rights between men and women a good thing?

Is gender a social construct? I wonder.

Until us men and women accost patriarchy and these archaic gender roles and ideologies we will forever have unrealistic expectations.

So what is a hoe? I will leave that for you decide. However, as a woman you can’t play on the naivety card anymore, you’re not 16. And men can we really call women hoes if we’re not honest with them when it comes to what we want? Can we offer them the world and then give them an atlas once we’ve got the sex and then call them hoes?

Girl A: 26 slept with 4 men, farks Darren on the second date.

Girl B: 26 slept with 15 men, farks Darren on the 15^th date.

Who would you say was the ‘loose goose’? Who should he go for?

Don't forget 'Kg Tha Comedian' and myself have our comedy show 25.07.12  'Its Just Raw' @ Apt Bar click the link for more info >>> http://dearrob.co.uk/events.html 

You can also buy my book 'Lying Fully Clothed' from my website >> http://dearrob.co.uk/store.html

#69StrokesOfRob

Hey, heteros and Bi's... Guys why are you reading this? Remove your eyes right this minute, you unwashed goats. I guess curiosity kills the cat, NO Rspca.

Where do I start? What a long day it was. I was at home, took off my bra as most of us ladies do after a long days work, what a relief. I took my hair out of its bun and ran my fingers through it, it felt so orgasmic. My boss had pissed me off that day as usual with his chauvinistic remarks, funny thing is he’s got a midget dick, I guess he over compensates for the areas in which he’s lacking. I know you’re thinking how do I know whether he’s packing or not? Well hey, it was one wet morning, he called me into his office. As I entered. Hold on wait, can I have your word that what you read in this blog stays here? Can I? In fact I’ll come to this at a later stage.

So as I was running my fingers through my hair my phone rang, I looked at the screen and it was Rob, My mind automatically went back to last week, I could still feel him in my stomach. When I went to work the following day my colleagues said I had a spring in my step, just reminiscing how it felt having his lips on my other lips, the way I quivered, had my body shaking like a misfiring engine. Just thinking about it is making my cat dribble. Sorry, didn’t mean to digress. I let it ring for a few seconds and timed it just as it was going to enter voicemail. “Hi babe”, to which he replied in his deep sensual tone, “Hi ribbon”. That’s his nickname for me, when we first had sex I tied him up with some ribbons and since then, that’s what he’s called me. I replied “What are you doing tonight?” to which he said “I’m coming to fill you up”. Now my man was coming to stay at mine. Don’t you dare try and judge me; he cheated on me a year ago and guess what? He can’t fuck. He proper trapped me. When we met each other he told me he didn’t want to have sex with me just yet, so I got to know him, fell in love and then he revealed his second belly button, I didn’t know what to do or say. I assumed the sex would get better but it never, so here I am and to make things worse, yes you’ve guessed he's my boss.

So I told Rob that I would come to his. I jumped in the shower, washed the long day off me and dried myself. I went into my draw, put on my Vickie secrets; Kurt Geiger’s and grabbed my Mack. I’d never done this before; well I had, the day I caught my man cheating. I was on the way to his to surprise him on his birthday. I was meant to finish work late but I thought I’d surprise him as I had finished early, silly me, I turned up to his.

Please bear with me; I well up every time I think of that night.  I just can’t believe he had the audacity to cheat with a penis his size. Rumour is his ex used to call him tampon man because whenever they had sex she couldn’t feel anything.  I will come back to Marvin and his cheating ways at a later stage.

So I left my house in nothing but my thong, heels and Mack. The breeze felt good. Ladies if you’ve never gone to a man’s house with nothing but a Mack on, what are you waiting for? I jumped in Marvin’s car and made my way to Robs. As I drove, I was getting wet, just thinking of him sliding in and out of me, him grabbing my hair and spanking my ass. He loves the way I ride him. He loves it when I sit down slowly on his dick and then come up fast, sit down slow and then come up hard. I love the way he farks me, the way he takes charge and takes control. I had Janet Jacksons ‘Anytime Anyplace’ playing in the car which wasn’t helping much as that was the song in which I came when he kissed that special cut of mine.

Knock knock, as he opened the door I pushed him against the wall like he was an ic3 that had just been spotted by a set of cops. I dropped to my knees and used my teeth to undo his belt; I could feel the bulge in his jeans, I began to breathe deep. I slowly pulled his boxers down and used my tongue to massage his head I then put his semi hard dick in my mouth, I could feel it growing in my mouth, I love that feeling. He began to start breathing deep as I stared in his eyes from where I was. The kitty began dribbling; I could feel it dripping down my inner thigh. Now his dick was hard, freezer meat hard. I moved closer to him, I wanted to feel him in my throat, I love that gagging feeling. I could taste the pre cum in my mouth. His leg started shaking, I could feel he was going to erupt, he told me to stop. He picked me up, walked me through his corridor and threw me on his bed. 

He has satin sheets; he had left the window open so you can imagine how cold they felt. He violently undone my buttons and threw my Mack on the floor. He went into the draw, took out his hand cuffs and tied me to his metal framed head board. At this point I was soaking wet, dripping, just thinking about what he was about to do to me. He started kissing on my neck, I started shaking, and my toes clenched into a fist as his tongue ran its way in between my breast and made his way to my naval. He then put his fingers inside my warm wet pussy, took them out and put them in his mouth as he looked me in my eyes and said “I want to taste you on my tongue”. I could feel the chakras lighting up. I could feel my body tensing up. He then used his tongue to lick my clit. I completely froze up, began to scream. I couldn't take anymore. I could feel my walls begin to involuntarily contract. He then...

And that's all folks, don't be getting any ideas. I don't go down only the mother of my kids will get the strongBOW and I cant last more than 3 minutes. Yes you read right 3 minutes. The average man ejaculates in 4 mins, so if you're man reading this, live your life dawg. Don't worry ladies the foreplay is lengthy, plus I will fling you in numerous positions to confuse you. Why do you think I stopped having sex to music? I used to come before the track two would start. 

Below is an excerpt from my book 'Lying Fully Clothed'... Check out my website dearrob.co.uk 

And dont forget #HisTypeHerMatch 10.07.12 @ Guanabara . A networking night for young professionals. Free shots of Patron and Ciroc all night. Hosted By KgThaComedian. For more info 07534675301 or you can @ me @dearrobtv.

Ciao